The Canadian Family

Children love to go on sleep-overs with their friends - or to camps and other special events for kids. But for some children their fear of sleeping away from home overshadows the daytime fun - perhaps even to the extent that they simply won’t go. If your child is struggling with such a fear, perhaps this will help you to help her.

First, and most obviously, getting into a fight with your child about the problem won’t help. Saying things like, “don’t be such a baby, of course you can do it” will just undermine her confidence rather than solve the problem. Recognize that it is a problem, and that your child probably wants to solve it as much as you do, step back from it all, and plan a strategic approach to help her.

Fear is an illogical emotion; you can’t get rid of it by just reasoning. You have to work on it by using a process of gradual desensitization. First get to the root of the problem. Many times the problem is not about sleep-overs only; it is deeper than that. May be the child does not feel secure being away from the mother, and even sleeping away from her in the other room is a big challenge!

Once you have identified the problem, start working on it by dividing the process into small achievable goals. Start from the point where the child is now - that is to say start with what is familiar and comfortable to the child. Gradually take him to the next step. For instance, if your child would rather sleep on the floor next to your bed than in his own bed, start by putting him in his bed and leaving the door is open. If your child is comfortable with the grandparents, you may send him for a sleep-over to them so that he gets used to being away from home.

Next, get some cooperation. Agree on some tasty goal that you child would really like to be able to accomplish - like a sleep over for her friend’s birthday party, or going to camp in the summer. Write this down.

Now work backwards from the goal to the present. E.g. In order to be able to go to camp for 5 nights, you first need to be able to sleep away at the Easter camp for 2 nights. In order to do that, you need to be able to sleep at your friends house for two nights. Before you do that, you need to be able to do one night at your friend’s, and before you can do that, you need to be able to manage your own room with the door shut…. And so on.

This is the general framework of the plan; you will need to adapt it to your own circumstances. After chalking out a rough plan, you can go to the present and look at the very first step. If it is facing opposition, you can break the first step into smaller parts. For instance, if your child refuses to move away from your room, you can coax him to sleep in the hallway on the floor just outside your bedroom door.

It helps to talk it out with your child and agree on a starting date. Then think of a way of celebrating success. Make sure you do not set difficult goals. One step at a time is the secret of success. Remember that. Let your child be willing to move from one step to the next. Of course, you may offer rewards to encourage him.

If she fails at a step (eg crawls back into your room from the hallway), just retreat to the previous step, consolidate that a bit longer, increase the rewards, and have another go.

One word of caution: Don’t expect instant results. You should be willing to spend some time with your child to help him work through the steps. But if you have a well-planned strategy, and you implement it slowly and systematically, you will certainly succeed. Be generous with plenty of encouragement and rewards.